Randy Rainbow (Re)Reads Patti LuPone's Autobiography- The Slow Demise of THE BAKERS WIFE

Sang my first show tune when I was just three

My mother knew I'd go far. I've been a show queen since way before Glee

Now I'm a Broadway star. Well, not exactly, but my friend has a friend who knows Idina Menzel

You know, I mean, sort of. So things are happening, you'll see. But till my ship comes in, I've got a lot to tell ya

Let's start chewing the scenery with... Welcome to Chew in the Scenery with... me

Turn off your cell phones. One particular bone of contention was a solo of mine

Meadowlark. I'll get that song out of the show if I have to poison the bird seed

As the show continued to rot, my personal condition deteriorated right along with it

I was falling apart I couldn sleep even on the Valium One morning I looked in the mirror and went What happened My face was covered in tiny raised white dots Danny Troub a rehearsal pianist

just looked at me and said, You look like Anna Magnani on a bad day

That would have been funny if she wasn't 90 and I wasn't 26. There were more firings. The choreographer was next. I realized that the creative team was no longer functioning as a team at all. Even though everyone behind the scenes was individually talented, they were never in sync. The new director was a guy named John Barry, and he joined us in Washington

Barry had virtually no experience with musicals at all

He had dirty fingernails, greasy hair, dandruff on his collar, and a really shoddy personality

One day I sat down near him who knows why and he said What did you come over here to suck up to the director In your dreams douchebag I said to myself you are beyond disgusting

And as if his personality wasn't bad enough, he had no idea what he was doing

I felt like I was in purgatory. Would I go to heaven now because the show would finally close

Or would I continue my descent into hell where there would be no metal lark

After one of our last matinees, John called the company onto the stage

He looked at me and said, metal lark is cut tonight and for good

This reduced my part to, hello amabla, goodbye amabla. Hello amabla, goodbye amabla

Hello amabla, goodbye amabla. Where are you going, he called after me, to my dressing room

Get back here, he demanded. There's notes. Go to hell I replied as I kept on walking I went into my dressing room slammed the door took a magazine and threw it at the mirror It didn make the right sound so I picked up my wig block and heaved it at the

mirror. Still not right. I grabbed my makeup mirror and hurled it as hard as I could. A resounding

crash was followed by the tinkling of shattered glass. Ah, that was the right sound. I started

crying and screaming uncontrollably. I kept screaming regardless of the effect it would

have on my voice for the evening show. Bobby Borod came to my dressing room, sat me down and said

Patty, relax. We're closing. It was just two days shy of our opening at the Martin Beck Theater

The three sheets and the posters were up. The marquee was lit. My name was finally in lights

on Broadway, and I couldn't wait for them to pull the plug

Goodbye, Amabla