0:00
See, I was God, but I wasn't really Godding, you know
0:04
I wasn't creating or destroying or judging anybody, which was something I'd always wanted to try
0:24
For the first and last time ever, I actually answered a prayer
0:30
Really, more of a question. Lord, why do bad things happen to good people
0:36
The answer? To even out the good things that happen to bad people
0:43
Duh. One thing I definitely am is a brand
1:01
I am an established well brand And when I see some backup wide receiver from dipshit university on SportsCenter point to me after scoring a touchdown
1:17
That cheapens the brand. This one's very simple. I'm not with you when your team wins
1:24
I'm not against you when your team loses. I'm not with or against you when you win or lose
1:29
I am not a Laker or a Cowboy or a Red Wing
1:33
Please listen carefully to this one. I am not a Yankee, okay
1:38
I don't guide the ball between the uprights or into the basket or out of the stadium or into your opponent's crotch
1:45
You won the game. Congratulations. Your Super Bowl MVP, mazel tov. Your World Cup champion, Gluckwinsch
1:54
But leave me out of it. Because your piety, or lack thereof, either as an athlete, a team, or a fan base, is meaningless to me
2:03
I do not influence the outcome of sporting events to affect the winner
2:07
Are we clear? I only on extremely rare occasions influence the outcome of sporting events to affect the spread
2:20
I understand celebrities. That's why I said I had some ambivalence. You see, celebrities are my chosen people
2:30
I know that Jews are also my chosen people. There's a lot of overlap
2:35
celebrities are like me they are adored worshiped tantrum prone uh we live in our own universe and
2:44
our public appearances are limited and for promotional purposes only I get celebrities I mean not when they die but before
2:52
I get why they take my name in vain I get why they take all kinds of things in their veins
2:59
And since I'm omnipresent, I'm always with them. I've been there with them through the good times and the bad
3:09
Through the laughter and the tears. The joy and the pain. In fact I have seen celebrities at their lowest moments Doing and thinking things no one else knows about Not that I would violate the privacy by telling you about them Because I don engage in godship
3:30
That's something people don't realize about omniscience. It doesn't mean I know everything
3:35
It means I'm capable of knowing everything, but I can choose not to
3:40
Which I usually do. I prefer to give myself knowledge on a need-to-know basis
3:46
Remember back in 1980 when everybody wanted to know who shot J.R.
3:51
Well, I am the Lord thy God king of the universe. I could easily have found out who shot J.R
3:59
I could have attended the producer's meetings, got an advance copy of the script
4:03
or sat in on one of the table reads. But I didn't. No, I stayed deliberately ignorant until the night of the airing
4:11
When it turned out to be his mistress slash sister-in-law, I was a bit of a letdown, I thought
4:17
The sixth sense, though, that I did not see coming. And I see dead people constantly
